Photo above is © Jennifer White-Johnson at https://thinkingautismguide.com/2019/10/autistic-jom y-as-act-of-resistance.html

Our November meeting of the AJ Drexel Autism Institute fathers group focused on the idea of how to protect autistic joy. When our children were first diagnosed, many of us were encouraged by therapists to “Step into their world!  Appreciate what they appreciate.” Most of us were so shocked and confused at the time that we wondered, “Does that exist? How do we tap into it?” Even though we may not understand it, can we celebrate our autistic family members and protect them in a society that regards them as different and even less then? How do we protect not only our sons and daughters but the broader community?

When our teenager holds our hand like a preschooler in the supermarket while stimming with the other hand and vocalizing, can we protect them and their joy by not shushing them? These were new concepts in acceptance and appreciation for our group.

An autistic father in our group who has autistic twins commented that this conversation was mindful and accepting of the autistic experience. “This conversation preserves the value of autism. This is what I am experiencing here in this conversation along with gratitude for what has changed. We used to stay in and isolate from the world to protect ourselves.”  Preserving and seeing the joys brings him and his family joy.

The father of a cheerful 14-year-old who is minimally verbally shared how his boy doesn’t understand the holidays but enjoys opening gifts of socks and underwear.

Another father wrestled with the decision for the medication needed for his son to get through his day. He realized that maybe it wasn’t so different than his need for medication to control his blood pressure. Mapping between the 2 worlds helped him understand how to protect his son’s joy.

A grandfather, who comes to the group regularly, shared gratitude for how his grandson has been evolving in his own way. By taking Spell to Communicate classes, he seems like a different human being and yet the same human being.

One father talked about being nervous to get together with friends. It turned out it wasn’t a big deal. His parents are always trying to connect with their grandson, but he told them, “Relax just be the grandparents.”

A 12-year-old boy singing Christmas carols in public used to embarrass his father who now sees it as his son’s joy. “Walking next to me and holding my hand, he taught me to love him for who he is.”

Autistic joy really hit home for another father. “It is my expectations that I have to manage. We’ll be home by ourselves for holidays. He doesn’t want crowds. We’ll be ok.”

Another father shared that everything is easier with his acceptance which helps the extended family’s acceptance.  Sometimes his wife shushes him, “He’s singing, relax!”

In public, people were more compassionate than several men expected. One shared that he learned to let his boy sing, scream, run down the hall and back.

Variations of acceptance were expressed. Another expressed gratitude for this support.” This is what I need. I share the same experiences as others. It used to bother me a lot when he was loud and stimming.” He came to understand that eloping or running away was a game. Being patient with his son helped this father to be patient within himself.

As our time together wound down to a close, we summarized what we were taking away:

• Maximizing autistic joy is a good strategy for you and others will all benefit.
• Having a child with special needs can be lonely. Watch out for each other in the world.
• #autistic joy #acceptance #stimming
• Most people are more accepting than we think they are.
• Do what makes your kids happy.
• Sometimes as guys we get in the way.
• Appreciate the wisdom of the group.
• As guys we sometimes don’t have the words for this stuff.
• This is more of a road map.
• This is energizing and calming.
• Our children are having a good time in their own way.

We are left with the utter simplicity of the words, “relax he’s singing.” It is traditional for men to provide and protect their children and further to prepare them for the world. But an added imperative is to protect the autistic joy at all costs!

Wishing you peace, joy, and serenity,

Robert Naseef and Michael Hannon